So Your Christian Wife Cheated – Part 3: Pitfalls

In Part 1 of this series, I dealt with getting into the right spiritual mindset. In Part 2 I dealt with understanding and combating the threat of shame. Now, we need to deal with pitfall avoidance. There are a lot of pitfalls, some emotional, some relational, and some practical.

The first pitfall to avoid is to not fall for any blame-shifting tricks your wife might throw at you. If your experience is true to a common pattern (one I also experienced), she’s been telling you for weeks or months that she is “unhaaaaapy” in the marriage, and that you need to change. She might even have threatened divorce if you didn’t change.

This is very common. In fact, you might even be in marriage therapy right now to deal with your alleged shortcomings. This is a major pitfall you need to identify and avoid: She isn’t telling you all this stuff because you are really a bad husband. She isn’t going to therapy with you because you need to change for the sake of the marriage. She isn’t threatening divorce because she’s unhaaaapy.

Rather, she’s doing all of these things because she needs you to take the blame for her sin. If you google “christian wife cheated” or something similar, you will find multiple stories where the guy is going to therapy with his wife and then finds out she was cheating. Or you’ll find stories about how she was complaining about the marriage, and then he found out she was unfaithful.  I

In fact, this is exactly what happened to me with my ex-wife.  For a month and a half before I found out the truth, I was repeatedly instructed that I had to change for the sake of the marriage.  This kind of thing isn’t a coincidence.  She needs you to buy into her own personal fantasy that her actions were somehow justified.

Don’t do it. She has to admit that the current crisis in the marriage was caused by her own lack of self-control, not by you being a bad husband. She must admit this, both for her own spiritual health, and because your marriage cannot survive unless she does. Repentance results in healing. Unrepentance results in self-destruction.

Furthermore, if you admit to being the chief problem, she will lose all respect for you. I know, this sounds really bizarre, but it’s how female psychology works. She needs a man who is strong and tough, who can stand up to threats and remain stable. She needs a man who can stand up even to her, because if her man cannot stand up to a woman who is clearly in the wrong, how could she trust him to stand up to bigger threats?

So don’t do it. Don’t be a pansy.

Second, if you are currently seeing a marriage therapist, stop. This is the opposite advice of what most Christians will give you. But if your wife brought you to the counselor under false pretenses, then continuing the counseling relationship is buying in to your wife’s scheme.

Instead, if you want to go to a counselor, find a male Christian counselor of conservative theological disposition. I say male because, as the victimized party, you need someone who can empathize with the kinds of emotions a man feels when his spouse cheats. I say “of conservative theological disposition” because you do not want to go to a counselor who is a feminist white knight mangina. While being conservative doesn’t make it impossible to be a white knight, it at least lowers the probability. It also increases the odds that the counselor believes in ideas like sin, guilt, and (again) repentance.

Third, you need to avoid a false concept of forgiveness. This is really, really important. I forgave my ex-wife very shortly after she told me she had been unfaithful. I did this, not for her sake, but because it is my duty to my Lord as one for whom He has shed His blood. If Jesus died so that I might be forgiven, who am I to not forgive my wife?

But forgiveness is not a feeling. You can forgive your wife and still be angry as hell at her. In time, as you ask God to give you a heart that backs up your decision to forgive, He will. But forgiveness is just that, a decision. It is an act of the will, nothing more or less. It is, as one friend put it, “Giving up your right to a better past.”

Forgiveness is also not reconciliation. This is a very common misunderstanding among Christians. Just because you forgive your wife, doesn’t mean your marriage isn’t over. It doesn’t mean divorce is out of the picture. Instead, it means you take your hands (metaphorically) off her throat.

So do not seek any form of revenge. Divorce isn’t revenge, and if you decide to pursue divorce for the purpose of revenge, you’re making a big mistake. Now, not all Christians agree on when–if ever–divorce is permissible. As a Protestant, I hold to the usual Protestant interpretation that it is only permissible in case of adultery (with the possible exception of physical abuse creating a “divorce for personal safety, but no remarriage” situation). Adultery is the very case you’re in right now.

But my point is, regardless of your personal beliefs about divorce, when you forgive your wife, it doesn’t mean you’ve reconciled the marriage. Forgiveness is a necessary, but not a sufficient, condition for reconciliation.

Fourth, don’t assume she isn’t already planning to divorce you. She might very well be. That’s why you have to be pro-active here. There are some vital practical steps you need to think about (h/t to Man for the Ages for some of these):

  • First, if you have a joint checking account, I would immediately go to the bank and put half the cash (your half) into your own personal account. The internet is chock full of stories of a woman emptying a joint account after her husband confronted her about an affair.
  • Next, never move out. If you move out now, chances are you will never get your house back. She’ll divorce you and, posession being 9/10ths of the law, you’re out of luck.
  • If the two of you separate for a period of time, and you have kids, do not let her take the kids. Do you hear me!?! Do not let her take the kids. You will never get custody if she does. And she might very well take them half-way across the country, and your relationship with your kids will never be the same.
  • Be clear to her, if you decide to separate, that since she was the one who stepped out, you are staying in the house (assuming you want the house in this market) and the kids (if you have any) are staying with you.
  • Keep a journal of everything that happens, including time spent with kids. This is good both as a record should things get ugly from a legal standpoint, and as a means to organize your thoughts and enable you to remember facts and events. The latter will be important in the healing process. Don’t tear pages out of the journal. If you need it in court, doing so will make it suspect.
  • Do not go blabbing to just anyone. For one, you may not know who she cheated with (and it might be more than one guy). So who knows if one of the people you tell is her lover. For two, some of the people you tell might be her friends and they might clue her in as to your thoughts. For three, it can get you in legal hot water if you’re not careful. So stick with immediate family members for now.

These are some basic guidelines on pitfalls to avoid. This isn’t an exhaustive list. In general, it is a good idea to 1) use common sense; 2) realize that, as an adulteress, your wife is not trustworthy, and she must work to earn back your trust; and 3) keep up the 3 P’s. Those three rules will help you avoid a lot of problems.

Update: Reader 7man has this sage advice to add:

Another financial thing is to have your paycheck deposited your personal account (in a different bank) and then make transfers into her account (or the joint account). Also make sure to get a credit card only in your name.

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86 Responses to So Your Christian Wife Cheated – Part 3: Pitfalls

  1. UK Fred says:

    I do not think that anyone who has not been in the position of having been the victim of wrongdoing, either by a (formerly) loved one or by an officer of the state can iunderstand just how important your comments on forgiveness are. Forgiveness is for your own benefit as well as a Christian duty. In my case, I had social services lie to and about me in a botched child protection investigation. It was only after I had resoved to forgive the people who had done me wrong that I stopped buring up inside. I still would not trust any of the people who were involved in that investigation to behave with honesty or integrity, but I no longer want to find them in a dark alleyway where I could adjust their walking characteristics or perform plastic surgery on their faces without anaesthetic.

    And finally, off topic and late I know, thank you for this blog. It is such a refreshing change from the feminism of Christian Forums

  2. 7man says:

    Another financial thing is to have your paycheck deposited your personal account (in a different bank) and then make transfers into her account (or the joint account). Also make sure to get a credit card only in your name.

  3. bskillet81 says:

    Excellent point. I added it as an update at the end of the post so readers will be sure to see it.

  4. HeligKo says:

    Excellent. My wife cheated on me, and we went to counselling, and I was told I share half or more of the blame for her being so vulnerable. I stopped going. I forgave her, but she made no attempt to reconcile, and I was blamed. We had another 10 years together, but we never truly reconciled and I was blamed for it by her all the time. As I look back, it became an issue every time she had been going out with friends, who all turned out to be cheating on husbands preparing to leave them. I was the sucker who probably kept getting cheated on by Christian wife. Its never the same after she cheats. You can’t get the marriage back. You may be able to find amicable grounds to continue, but I have yet to meet a woman who is willing to fight and face the anger of a man who’s trust is broken in this way, so the marriage can rarely be fully restored. I am sure there are women who have dug in their heels and faced the man the promised everything to, and with a conciliatory heart accepted the damage they caused without blaming him to restore their marriage, but I haven’t met one.

  5. bskillet81 says:

    Wow. So true. So many guys I talk to all have similar stories. “She cheated, and she said it was all my fault.” Sad really.

  6. Brendan says:

    Counselors support that approach, which is why we hear of it often. It’s pretty much a one-way street, however. When the husband cheats it isn’t typical for the wife to be told that she set the table for that, but it’s the standard approach to female cheating.

    My own view is that female cheating ends a marriage not primarily because of the breach of trust, but because a woman who cheats has already left her husband emotionally. She will in most cases never view her husband in the same way again. That is, in a sexual or romantic way. Hub is in the friend zone. That is why women are always describing this as loving but not being in love with — hub is now in the friend zone even though she is still married to him. Her romantic heart, and her sex, now belong to another man, and one she chose because she saw him in some way as superior to her husband. So in effect she has left the husband in all but name by the time the adultery happens. She will almost never view her husband in a sexual way ever again.

    And all of that just concerns what is going on inside the wife. It doesn’t even touch the issues of trust and betrayal. This is why female adultery pretty much destroys the relationship — not due to the trust issues, but because she doesn’t see, or even want to see, her husband in “that way” anymore.

  7. Mark says:

    “This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, ‘I’ve done nothing wrong.’ Prov. 30:20

  8. Mark says:

    BTW, I commend you for standing for forgiveness and seeking God. Also, for baring your own experiences so that others can vicariously live through them and weigh their own choices.

  9. Mark says:

    Sorry to spam your blog! But I thought that these verses from Romans 12 were also pertinent:

    Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

    “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
    if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
    In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

  10. deti says:

    Oh, I don’t know that the ILBINILWY recipient has to feed his enemy. The state will confiscate his property and do it for him.

  11. deti says:

    If my wife cheated on me, I have no doubt I’d forgive her. Eventually.

    I will be mad as hell. And I will do everything I can to deprive her of property. And we will still get a divorce.

    (That’s one thing I have told my wife: “You cheat on me, we’re done. There will not be any rationalizing, effort, or ‘working through it’. And I won’t go to counseling. There will be nothing to work through, and no reason for counseling. We WILL get a divorce and I don’t care what it costs me – or you.”)

    But I will forgive her.

  12. Pingback: So Your Christian Wife Cheated on You | Dalrock

  13. Jennifer says:

    EXCELLENT article, Brent.

  14. Matthew says:

    Instead, if you want to go to a counselor, find a male Christian counselor of conservative theological disposition.

    This is the only thing you’ve said with which I disagree. My father meets those conditions exactly, yet he is a sucker for women with stories of oppression. He’s a better man than I in most ways, but he is completely unreliable with respect to the predations of women.

  15. will says:

    Then if you actually do something wrong. How is it that you apologise to your wife? Is is there another way?

  16. will says:

    Lets say she insists in staying on in the house since it is your fault she cheated. And would call the police to try to evict you Accusing you of abuse. What should you then do?

  17. Jennifer says:

    That’s a good question, but I think he means you shouldn’t apologize for her CHEATING, not for doing something wrong perse. I wondered about that too, then remembered the context.

  18. HeligKo says:

    Nothing you could do wrong justifies her cheating on you or having an affair. Even you doing so. You doing so justifies divorce, but not repaying evil for evil.

  19. HeligKo says:

    I say that last comment as a man who was cheated on, and struggled with doing the same to her to show her. I did not, and am glad I didn’t, even though we are divorcing now anyway.

  20. will says:

    In adding to Brendan. Is that because of the nature of women. Once she loses the gina tingles for her man. It is lost forever.

  21. HeligKo says:

    Then she is a selfish, whorish woman, and your best bet is divide the house into 3 spaces. Yours, hers, and the common spaces. You stay out of each other’s spaces. You clean up after yourself in the common spaces. You buy separate food and cleaning stuff. Do your own laundry. Divide kid duties as if you were living separate houses. This is a fairly common way of separating in the current economy. If she goes the police rout, then in the modern era you are screwed. Sorry.

  22. Jennifer says:

    Will, if that were true, Athol Kay’s advice would never work.

  23. Brendan says:

    Jennifer —

    Actually, Athol Kay isn’t mostly talking about bringing relationships back from a case of female infidelity. He’s trying to help people not get to that point. Once it *does* get to that point, it’s nigh-on unfixable as a relationship, even if people stay together “for the children” or something similar.

    The key reference on this is Michelle Langley’s book “Women’s Infidelity”. Langley is a feminist, so she isn’t being “misogynist” when she points out that there is, in almost all cases, no way back from a case of a woman cheating on her husband. Once she gets there, she’s done with her husband, period. No Athol Kay approach will change that, once the Rubicon has been crossed.

  24. Brendan says:

    In adding to Brendan. Is that because of the nature of women. Once she loses the gina tingles for her man. It is lost forever.

    Pretty much. The key for men is not letting the situation get to that point — which is what Athol Kay is about. But once it does get to that point, it’s done.

    The way my own marital therapist explained it to me way back when was that if you wanted to continue the marriage, you’d have to start the relationship again from scratch, like you had just met. So the relationship you had was done, and you get to woo your adulterous wife into a new relationship.

  25. deti says:

    I’m curious to hear from men how they discovered the affairs. Did she confess or did you find evidence and confront her with it?

  26. deti says:

    “Another financial thing is to have your paycheck deposited your personal account (in a different bank) and then make transfers into her account (or the joint account). Also make sure to get a credit card only in your name.”

    This is probably a good idea for most married men, even if they are not separated or divorced. In today’s environment, a marriage can fall apart at any time.

  27. cybro says:

    I got a better idea. Don’t get married to begin with and don’t let them move in with you. How is that for pro-active?

  28. Mark says:

    Deti, I’ve seen loads of people with marriage problems and the most common way to find out about infidelity is to somehow discover it. This is especially true when a wife cheats. It is extremely rare that they will confess anything. Men occasionally ‘fess up. Typically, the cheating partner confesses nothing more than what you’ve discovered–or even one step down from what you have evidence of. So if you catch countless emails and flirty text messages, they’ll say that it was just a good friendship. If you catch them kissing the other person, it will have “just happened once, by accident”. If you find that they stayed over at that other person’s house for a night, they’ll say that they just watched a movie, but then felt guilty and didn’t go further. Etc. The common tactic is deny, then down-scale.

    If you want to catch them, install a keylogger/tracker program (e.g., Spectersoft Pro) on their computer, track their cell phone by GPS, and place a voice-activated recording device in their car. Be very aware of two facts. One is that this can be illegal in your state and if discovered can swing things against you in court. I do not advocate any of these things, by the way. I’m just pointing out methods that people have found effective. The second issue is that while you are spying on them you will go crazy with suspicion. For whatever psychological reason, once you commit to acting suspiciously, it very greatly increases your overall trust levels and attitude towards your spouse. This can harm your relationship for no good reason. So, if anyone does go through these steps, do it briefly and have a clear date (say, two weeks from when you start) when you will stop. Once you stop, drop it from your mind entirely. Make a firm decision to not think suspiciously anymore and stick to it. Don’t keep checking. If you do, you’ll kill your marriage just as surely as cheating does.

  29. Mark says:

    That should say “decreases your trust . . .”, not “increases your trust . . . “.

  30. bskillet81 says:

    I personally do not endorse spying on one’s spouse.

  31. deti says:

    Mark:

    Your first paragraph seems to ring true. There’s a chance discovery of some fact. She denies or downplays it. It seems to me if you have evidence of female cheating you should immediately make plans for impending divorce because as Brendan points out, if she’s cheating on you, your marriage is most likely over. Also, if what you see is a molehill there’s probably a mountain. It’s likely you know only a fraction of what’s actually happened, and she’s probably not being honest about what you do know.

    So, then, what if you have evidence only of conduct short of cheating (kissing or texts or emails). What if you have clear evidence of an emotional affair but not a physical one? Do you take steps toward divorce? My vote is yes, because if you had not discovered the EA it would very likely have progressed to a physical affair.

  32. Jennifer says:

    I know Brendan, but I mean a lot of his advice is for geting the “tingles” back, so they ain’t gone forever.

  33. buck says:

    After 30 in a squad car, dealing with this sort of thing every day, the biggest “indicator” is a gut feeling. If you think she is cheating, she almost certainly is. I do believe in spying on your spouse and kids…knowledge is power. The bible clearly calls us to be wise, and the proper collection and use of intelligence is wise.
    The bible warns that pride is the greatest sin, humility the greatest virtue, the single best thing a cheated on man can do is remain cool and NOT tip his hand on the intelligence he has gleaned. KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS IN CHECK and make strategic moves to protect yourself.
    If I could add to your prep list:
    Reduce your recorded income at work.
    Go to the police station and make a report of any threat or violence against you.(do not call the police to your home, and say your do not wish to press charges at this time).
    Don’t ask about her comings and goings, help her with her new affair by acting oblivious, women think they are slick about this sort of thing and men are stupid, her distraction gives you time to plan.
    If you know divorce is imminent, start a big home remodeling project, really tear the place up, and never finish the job. this will lower the home value, and make the house no place for kids…win win for you. If the court orders a split the price will be greatly reduced.
    Hide money, gift it to parents (wink wink) whatever.

  34. I strongly advocate spying ONCE you have cause to be suspicious, to each their own at what constitutes cause. Im aware of one situation that saved a marriage, outcomes not guaranteed. There had been one incident, one full blown physical affair, but the guy, while he was intuitively sure, had no proof. He ran a phone line into his detached garage and installed a recorded on it, this was in the 90’s and the recorder was old fashioned cassette call activated recorder. He swapped tapes daily and listened on his way to work, took a month but BAM, he got her.
    He confronted, she denied, he stayed at my place for a few days then he played the tape over the phone to her. Well duh then she said uh, yea, I done it. They reconciled, and frankly they have had an awesome marriage ever since, he has on some occasions though since then tossed a tiny 20 hour voice activated recorder under her car seat so he can listen to her talk on phone or to whoever is in the car. he also put spectresoft on the home PC, then that extended to his teenaged kids PC’s too, never found anything again, even his teenage boy never surfed porn at least on his own PC, I found that remarkable.

  35. Brendan says:

    I’m curious to hear from men how they discovered the affairs. Did she confess or did you find evidence and confront her with it?

    I was on my way to work one morning and needed change for tolls. I went into my then wife’s purse on the kitchen table to get some change (something I had done dozens of times previously) Upon opening the purse, while looking for her coinpurse I noticed a prescription box in there — which was odd because she hadn’t been ill recently. Out of curiosity I pulled the box out of her bag and studied it briefly — morning after contraception. This was strange, because we had not had sex (with each other) for a few months due to the issues in the marriage (we were in counseling at the time). I checked the date, and then double checked it against the calendar on the fridge, noting that the date was the day after she had returned from a three-day business trip the previous week. It was kind of academic from there. She didn’t try to deny in the face of that evidence, but she did try to minimize. When I found a box of condoms in her travel bag a few weeks later (really a laptop bag that was in the hall closet … I wanted to use it to take some things to work and came across those), he then tried to deny, claiming she had purchased these for us (when we hadn’t had sex in donkeys), even though it was in her travel bag that she had just been using on yet *another* business trip. The man involved was her married boss, a real alpha male type around 50 (she was around 30 at the time).

    Affairs are generally discovered and not confessed — although occasionally someone will confess, it isn’t common. It’s quite common to deny, minimize and so on, as to control the damage, after any discovery is made. It’s also quite uncommon, in the case of female adultery, for the wife to feel any remorse (men sometimes do, but that’s because of the different nature of male and female infidelity).

  36. 7man says:

    Is it an indicator of infidelity when a SAHM Catholic woman that has been infertile for 15 years (with two adopted children) all of a sudden gets pregnant in her early 40s when sex has been almost non-existent and then when the husband buys her roses to celebrate (even though both had mentally moved past that desire for more children), she goes ballistic over his insensitivity in embrace the new life within her? (miscarriage occurred)

    This just might lead to her assaulting him, accusing him of all matter of things in a nasty, nasty divorce/custody battle where she has no respect whatsoever for him and blames him for everything while destroying him and extracting as much money as she can.

  37. bskillet81 says:

    In my case, my wife confessed out of the blue the Saturday before Easter. This was after a good month and a half telling me how I was the a bad husband and I had to change and so on. Then, after she confessed, she made clear that her infidelity was HER problem, not mine, and what WE needed to focus on as a couple were all my problems as a husband (like, especially, not keeping the house clean enough for her).

  38. 7man says:

    Yes the projection of blame and a redirected focus always happens. Men need to define the frame and pay attention to her behavior.

    It brings to mind the words of Archbishop Fulton Sheen, which can be heard in the YouTube video embedded in my post Abortions Lead to Divorces

  39. deti says:

    I don’t believe my wife has cheated. I do look for evidence, and I watch closely. We’ve had our share of problems, certainly, and she at one point suggested we go for marriage counseling (we didn’t).

    I believe if she ever cheats, it will just be game over. I think I would just want her to tell me the who, what, when, where, and then let the lawyers sort out the rest. I don’t want to hear apologies or rationalizations or remorseful confessions, and I don’t want to know why. I don’t want to talk it out and I don’t want to get counseling. I would just kick her out.

  40. deti says:

    bskillet: That is some serious hubris right there. How did you respond when she tells you “oh, yeah, I cheated on you, but hey, you’ve still got all these issues to work on to make our marriage better!”

    I think my response would be “No. WE aren’t going to do anything other than see lawyers on Monday. And would you like me to tell your mom and dad why we’re splitting up, or would you like to do that yourself?”

  41. Hf says:

    @deti

    Knowing “who, what, when and where” will only make it worse.

  42. Matthew says:

    Knowing “who, what, when and where” will only make it worse.

    Depends on what “it” is. If “it” is reconciling, or having an amiable split, then yeah, sure.

    If “it” is kicking a harlot out with no remorse or pity? Probably better.

  43. Cano says:

    I asked my wife if she was worthy, this led to disclosures over the next couple of months leading to what I think is full disclosure. It started with Facebook…

  44. Cano says:

    This has been the only place I’ve found support for my gut feeling, that continuation of our Christian, eternal marriage may not be in the cards.

  45. Cano says:

    My wife of over two decades says she wants to fix things, but I don’t see the effort being made on her part. It’s almost like nothing happened, other than she says she needs time to bond with me again.

  46. bskillet81 says:

    So has your wife been unfaithful? If she has, she needs to repent of her unfaithfulness and admit she is the cause of the crisis in the marriage. If she doesn’t appear to be making an effort, that indicates lack of repentance. She needs to recognize that what she did was a grievous sin before God, and that there is nothing you did that justifies her in her sin against God.

    As well, it isn’t just an issue of her needing time to bond with you again. She must work to re-gain YOUR trust. But she has a duty before God to give you respect as her husband. She doesn’t need time to “bond” with you, so much as she needs to choose to respect and submit to you as her Christian husband. If her emotions led her into infidelity, she needs to develop a healthy level of skepticism for her emotions and learn not to be led by her heart, but by the truth that has been revealed by God. So trying to “bond” indicates to me that she is still being led by her feelings.

    It is very hard to re-build a marriage after female infidelity (not that it’s easy after male infidelity, but it’s harder with female infidelity). I’m glad this site helps. If you want to talk more in private, feel free to email me at b [at] cmd-n.org

  47. Cano says:

    Thanks b. she is going through the repentance process now with our church.

  48. Mortarmanmike says:

    Prayers for you Cano.

    I didn’t realize there was a repentance ‘process’ that involved other people. There are only a handful of people in my church that I would have faith in being involved in such a process. Sadly, I think it would just be an excuse for the hens to gather and cluck about the cock.

    In my own case, by the time I realized there was a problem, it was a done deal. Just like the previous posters have said. I spent my health, wealth, and mental stability over the course of a year trying to patch things up. I’m convinced now that she played along just for the pity party feelings and martyrdom – she never had any intention of reconciling. Be careful that your wife isn’t just telling you what you want to hear to extend the process.

  49. Mortarmanmike says:

    @ bskillet –
    Excellent site so far. Thanks to all the MRM bloggers that take the time and energy to spread the word.

  50. deti says:

    +1 Mortarman.

    Cano: Whatever else you do, you have to be clear on whether she was faithful or not. If she has been unfaithful, you need to know you did not cause it. When you’re ready you must, for yourself, move toward forgiveness. You need to know that if she was unfaithful it will be very difficult for your marriage to survive it, mainly because of what goes on inside the heart and mind of a woman who has reached the point of cheating on her spouse. Scroll up and read Brendan’s comment on April 13 at 9:46 am. Nearly all women who cheat do so because they have lost attraction for their spouse. Once she has taken that attitude to sex with another man, she just won’t see her husband in the same way again.

    Sorry for you, Cano.

  51. A says:

    >>deti says:
    April 14, 2012 at 8:15 am

    >>I’m curious to hear from men how they discovered the affairs. Did she confess or did you find evidence and confront her with it?

    I have been told that you can tell, if your head is out in the sunshine. I have been married 36 years, and early in my marriage, one summer, my wife acted strange, is the only way I can describe it. We still had sex, and she did well at it, but it was as if she were listening to a voice in the distance while we did it. That was the only time she ever acted that way.

    There were kids involved, and to confront her would have put those kids in her hands. I had to pretend I knew nothing.

    Many men, say, never. “If she does dirty, she has to go.” My kids were higher priority than her morality was. I do not regret it.

    But, that is the worst part of our matriarchal system, that it is “suicide” for your kids, if you stand up for your basic marital rights. You need to decide, your personal pride, or your kids’ well being. I chose my kids well being and would do so again. And, thank God you have the choice. Most men have no choice and your kids well-being is over.

    I will say I have no delusions about who in my marriage is morally superior. Also, I am well aware she has no clue that I knew.

    Actually, I figured out who it was. A man with multiple divorces, and a vasectomy, member of a band after work, and an excellent gamer. I theorize when he got bored with her, his easy way out was to tell her her kids and marriage were more important to her, and that she should continue in her marriage. My worst enemy was also my best friend.

    Let me point out that I participate in the Don’t Marry forums because no man should have to make the decision I had to make, and would make again.

    ##########
    >>Another financial thing is to have your paycheck deposited your personal account (in a different bank) and then make transfers into her account (or the joint account). Also make sure to get a credit card only in your name.

    While that is not bad advice for marital money management, it is rather useless for divorce issues. It is not uncommon for a petition for divorce to result in a judge ordering the man to not use any of his own money, even those assets in separate accounts. That is why men tossed out of their own houses by court order end up sleeping in their car, or at Mommy’s house. They cannot use extensive assets, not even a credit card, to rent a hotel room or pay a lease on an apartment. Please do not give advice about things when you know nothing about them.

    At one point in my 36 year marriage, things were unpleasant, and so I slowly took hundreds of dollars cash from the bank a little at a time, and hid it in the console of my old car so I did not have to sleep in my car if she pulled the trigger on me.

  52. Anonymous age 70 says:

    Sorry. glitch, A was Anonymous age 70

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  54. Cano says:

    Thanks all.

    Deli, yes I’m sure. She gave me the whole story.

  55. bskillet81 says:

    @Cano,

    Man I’m so sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you bro.

  56. Cano says:

    Thanks b. Sorry Deti on the name. My autocorrect was at work.

  57. Matthew says:

    Anonymous age 70: I’ve seen you at PMAFT’s. Happy (belated) birthday.

  58. deti says:

    Anon age 70:

    You’ve carried that 30 years? Are you still married to her?

    Don’t know what I would do if I knew and decided to stay for the kids. I would probably stay till the last was out of high school and then divorce. I don’t know.

  59. Jon W says:

    The so-cons and trad-cons actually believe they are anti-feminist.Aside from abortion,they could get a room together.

  60. Pingback: He Needs to Feel Bad, But It’s Your Fault She Cheated | Christian Men's Defense Network

  61. Sarah says:

    I think counseling shouldn’t be dismissed that easily. Of course you have to find the right counselor for you and your spouse and if you are a Christian your counselor has to be too. And I think it’s dangerous to write that if your wife wants to see a counselor she is cheating. I’m a Christian wife who hasn’t cheated but had a hard time of being accused of cheating by my husband and therapy has helped both of us a lot to make our marriage working again.

  62. Pingback: Do We Hate Women? | Christian Men's Defense Network

  63. Srikanth says:

    I really wonder what happened to Potiphar (Egyptian) who I think also believed in the God of the bible. I just reread Genesis 39 (Joesph’s story) and I can see the rationalization hamster running in Potiphar’s wife’s head.

  64. Antz says:

    @A
    With all due respect your life (As you have described it) seems to be going quite sadly in those circumstances. After all the years of lies and deceit not only on her part but on yours. Do you not see you have been living in Sin… even though it is not yours you have been abiding by it. I am here to warn you that your story is not finished yet. And may yet end to be a tragedy. Don’t advise others to follow your path.

    And I will say this to you! Your children, your wife, and even YOU yourself would have more respect for you if you did the right thing. And more importantly you will be dealing with the sin in your life!

  65. HeligKo says:

    @Antz @A. I followed a similar path. Eventually she decided to leave anyway. I wasn’t stuck in fear, I just believed that marriage was forever. The problem in Christian marriage is the men are sold forever, while the women are continually given escape clauses. You are not safe from her doing the damage just because you put up with her sin. She will find you contemptible and eventually she will destroy what is left on her own.

  66. deti says:

    Antz, HeligKo:

    It’s always hard to say what you do if you have a suspicion, but no proof, of cheating.

    I’ve always said marital infidelity would be the one thing that would cause me to pull the trigger on my marriage with no delay. But it’s easy for me to say after taking the red pill and my kids are a bit older. You just have to see what your situation is and act accordingly.

    I can relate to what HeligKo says but it was a bit different. Christian men are told that if there are marital problems, it is most likely the man’s fault. I was told that Christian married women just don’t cheat — it simply does not happen. If they do, it’s because the man drove her to it, was not nice to her, or otherwise did something wrong. So I was told that my wife would never cheat on me as long as I was nice to her and was giving her everything she wanted.

    I don’t have evidence that my wife cheated, and I don’t think she did. But I know now it’s entirely possible for her to do so if: right time, right circumstances, man she feels tingles for, and she thinks she won’t get caught.

  67. bskillet81 says:

    @HeligKo

    The problem in Christian marriage is the men are sold forever, while the women are continually given escape clauses.

    .

    +1 for that.

    Christian men are continually shamed and commanded to commit to Christian women, while women are never told they need to commit to their man. The assumption, as we see explicitly stated from Glenn Stanton, is that women are naturally good wives and mothers, and therefore commitment is just something they do.

    This is baloney.

    Women are sinners, just like men. Left to their own devices, women will naturally commit to a man until 1) they think that someone or something better is within reach, or 2) they no longer feel committed to their man (sexually attracted).

    Eve is in the garden. Serpent says, “Hey, you can actually have something even better than this. Just ignore God and eat this piece of fruit here!”

    Eve was committed to obeying God until she thought something even better had come along.

  68. HeligKo says:

    @deti, I know what I did, which was ignore it. For many of the reasons you state. Essentially it reflected badly on me in some way. That I was not a good husband, but I could not put a finger on how. There is some truth to that assumption. I was a bad husband in all the ways the church pushed me to comply with my wife’s demands. My wife cheated and told me, but then there were periods after that when I thought she might be cheating or seeking someone. I know now through common friends that my suspicions were legit. I also know now how I would handle it differently. I would challenge her, and I would face her rage that would be used as a shield against the accusations. Its all the past now. Lessons learned. It takes time to get there. To accept where you could have done better, and to let wounds become lessons.

  69. deti says:

    “Women are sinners, just like men. Left to their own devices, women will naturally commit to a man until 1) they think that someone or something better is within reach, or 2) they no longer feel committed to their man (sexually attracted).”

    One quibble. I don’t think that left to their own devices, women will NATURALLY commit to a man. We’ve been having this discussion at Dalrock’s. Left to their own devices with restraints on hypergamy no longer in place and no moral constraints or compunctions, women don’t commit to a man. They go for sex with dominant, good looking, alpha men.

    Now once they get that, they might offer some morsel of “commitment” until (1) or (2) happens.

  70. Elspeth says:

    One quibble. I don’t think that left to their own devices, women will NATURALLY commit to a man. We’ve been having this discussion at Dalrock’s. Left to their own devices with restraints on hypergamy no longer in place and no moral constraints or compunctions, women don’t commit to a man. They go for sex with dominant, good looking, alpha men.

    Well deti, the truth is that left to our own devices, we all choose the path of sin. This is why we all need the redemption the cross provides.

  71. Elspeth says:

    I wonder also whether you think that women like me, who have been married for many years to men we are committed to as well as consistently attracted to, have remained faithful and true because of some pressure outside of ourselves and outside of our dedication to doing the right thing.

    These are honest questions. Not trying to pick a fight. I’m asking because I wonder what you mean by “left to our own devices”. It implies that we didn’t choose to do the right thing because it is the right thing.

  72. bskillet81 says:

    @Elspeth

    I wonder also whether you think that women like me, who have been married for many years to men we are committed to as well as consistently attracted to, have remained faithful and true because of some pressure outside of ourselves and outside of our dedication to doing the right thing.

    Christian women who remain faithful do so because of an internal pressure, the indwelling Holy Spirit who has regenerated them and enables them to live in holiness. My comment was more generally about the vast majority of women who are unsaved.

    EDIT: I shouldo also add that Christian women who remain faithful are also doing so in spite of, not because of, their natural inclinations. Natural inclinations in humans are sinful, regardless of if that human is male or female. Where Churchianity goes wrong is to say, as Glenn Stanton does, that men’s natural inclinations are sinful (correct), but women’s natural inclinations are righteous and holy (incorrect).

  73. Elspeth says:

    Thanks for the clarification. I misunderstood because I thought you all were discussing unfaithful Christian wives.

  74. bskillet81 says:

    @Elspeth

    We were more discussing unfaithful “Christian” wives than unfaithful Christian wives, and we were more discussing the concept of original sin as it expresses itself in the flesh.

  75. Elspeth says:

    Yes, I see the distinction between unfaithful “Christian” wives and unfaithful Christian wives.I’ve witnessed the difference, namely the refusal to accept responsibility and making it all about what the husband did wrong or didn’t do right.

    What difference in advice would you offer to a man married to an unfaithful yet repentant Christian mate rather than a CINO? I think that’s a legitimate discussion to have as well.

    I should also add that Christian women who remain faithful are also doing so in spite of, not because of, their natural inclinations. Natural inclinations in humans are sinful, regardless of if that human is male or female.

    I agree completely. In my flesh dwells no good thing, and I attribute my marital faithfulness to the grace of God, not the goodness of Elspeth.

  76. Cano says:

    Thank you for your insightful comments Elspeth. I think they’re helping a lot of the readers of this.

  77. van Rooinek says:

    the whole manosphere needs to know about this:

    “How religion promotes confidence about paternity”

    The study analyzed genetic data on 1,706 father-son pairs in a traditional African population—the Dogon people of Mali, West Africa—in which Islam, two types of Christianity, and an indigenous, monotheistic religion are practiced in the same families and villages.

    “We found that the indigenous religion allows males to achieve a significantly lower probability of cuckoldry—1.3 percent versus 2.9 percent,” said Beverly Strassmann, lead author of the article and a biological anthropologist at the University of Michigan.

    more at…
    http://dienekes.blogspot.com/2012/06/religion-vs-cuckoldry.html
    http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2012-06/uom-hrp060412.php

    Wow. Is it possible that pagan women don’t have rationalization hamsters?

  78. bskillet81 says:

    @Elspeth

    What difference in advice would you offer to a man married to an unfaithful yet repentant Christian mate rather than a CINO?

    So a lot of what I wrote in this series dealt with the wife’s need for genuine repentance. If she isn’t repentant, the marriage simply cannot be salvaged in any meaningful way. We have some guys who might keep things together for the kids or whatnot, but there is no way the marriage can ever really be strong after that in my opinion.

    If she is repentant, that greatly increases the chances the marriage can be truly salvaged. Man obviously must forgive his wife in either case (because Jesus so commands him), but in the second case reconciliation is actually possible in addition to forgiveness. At a minimum, she needs to separate herself from whatever situation or people were involved, so she isn’t further tempted. She would need to spiritual guidance from a more mature Christian woman to help her. And she needs to focus on re-building her husband’s broken trust.

    I would also say she probably should ditch her “Team.” Most likely, at least some members of her Team knew about the affair and encouraged or rationalized for her: “You go girl!” or “God wants you to be happy!” or “But you really do love each other, so it isn’t really wrong.” Such women are only looking for vicarious tingles. They have no real love for her, or else they would have rebuked her for threatening her marriage. If she wants to restore her marriage, she needs to ditch these team members. And the husband ought to be very suspicious of her whenever she goes to spend time with her team.

    He, on the other hand, needs to take the lead in restoring her spiritually. Learning a little bit of game is a good start, if only so that he can unlearn the emasculation that he’s been taught in Churchianity. This will not only help restore his wife’s attraction to him, but it will help him lead his wife in her own restoration. It will help him lead because he will learn that he shouldn’t just constantly give in to her when her flesh balks at his spiritual leadership. Churchianity teaches him the opposite, and that has to be unlearned.

    He will need to know, for a long time, where she is going whenever she leaves, who she is going with, etc. This will help him rebuild his trust in her. Little things like whenever he calls her on her cell phone, she needs to answer immediately unless there is a really good reason.

    The point is, the onus on reconciliation is on her, not him, and she needs to win him back by respecting him, showing herself trustworthy, etc. Again, Churchianity teaches the opposite: The guy has to win back his cheating wife. This is baloney.

  79. deti says:

    Good on you, bskillet.

    But I have serious doubts that the marriage can be saved after wife infidelity even if the wife is genuinely repentant. I think that’s just too great a breach of trust. I don’t think I could ever see my wife the same way again if she cheated.

    Regardless of the sincerity of her repentance, the fact would remain that in that moment, she preferred another man over me, she found another man more worthy than I. In that moment, she bonded or tried to bond with another man over me. In that moment, she broke and severed the one bond she has with me that she’s not to have with anyone else.

    I just consider adultery the one thing she could do that would definitely end things.

  80. an observer says:

    Deti

    Just before i married, i had this conversation with a close friend, some twelve years ago.

    Then, i answered somewhat like bksillet does above.

    Now, i suspect the answer would be closer to yours.

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  82. moses says:

    If you suspect your wife of cheating your gut is usually correct. NEVER EVER confront her before you have hard evidence. 99 times out of 100 a cheating woman will lie, and lie very convincingly.

    Remain calm with no outward signs of suspicion. Focus on collecting hard, incontrovertible evidence. Then confront her, but do not tell her about the evidence. She will deny. Then reveal the evidence to her.

    I was about to marry a girl I got a funny feeling about. I got the evidence then confronted her. She put on an Oscar-worthy performance denying the affair and professing her loyalty to me. If I hadn’t had hard evidence I would have believed her. I dumped her immediately.

  83. John says:

    Years back “we” ended up in “marriage counseling” twice while my “She could never do such a thing!” wife was having a year-long torrid affair with a doctor at the hospital at which she worked. Though I suspected that something may well have been going on, she would deny, deny, deny, any such thing, but insisted that we go to counseling or she was going to initiate divorce proceedings. I went once.

    Sure as hell, the two-bit shrink, who had actually seen her eight times before she demanded that I go or else, told me that the word “BLAME” should not even be in the dictionary. The only reason that I was even there was that I still believed that my wonderfully “pure as the driven snow” wife was just going through a bad time and wasn’t an adulterous whore, but this presentation was one step too far. The clown had about a 14″ neck, and finally disgusted, I asked him, “Les, do you have a dictionary here in the office?”

    He replied in the affirmative, and I pulled the tome from his shelf, turned it to to now word non grata and read the definition to him, stating that we both had college degrees but in my field we simply didn’t discard words because we didn’t “like” their definitions or use. I then strode over to the window and asked him if his car was in the parking lot. He said yes, and pointing in the general direction said that it was the beige Volvo in the second row. About to come to a complete boil, I pointed to my truck, a 1-ton four wheel drive dually G.M.C.

    “Les, do you see that white one-ton 4X4 there?” The one with the dualies?”

    “Yes”, he responded somewhat meekly.

    “Here’s the damn deal, Les. If I walk out there and get into that truck (also equipped with and elk-proof bumper/brushguard I must add, painted black) and smash your Volvo repeatedly with it until I’m bored, are you going to BLAME me for that or just let it go?”

    DEAD SILENCE.

    I turned to my lying little adulteress and told both her and “Les” simultaneously that I was leaving the “session” and not ever returning, that the man was a charlatan and an incompetent ass, and she could do whatever the hell she wanted but I was the expletive out of there.

    Well, golly. Somewhere in that little drama she did sort of figure out that “Les” was an ass and that “blame” for behaviors actually did exist as both a concept and result. She actually grabbed her purse and left when I did. I strode to my truck, opened the door, fired it up and left, returning to the days obligations. She stood there stupidly as I drove off, finally got into her car and drove back to work, which, outside of herself and lack of self-discipline, was the source of her whoredom. It was a “Catholic” hospital, which as it turned out, was a “hotbed” for almost universal fornication and widespread adultery.

    Did this circumstance have a “nice” ending?

    Remember the brushguard on my truck? That’s how I deal with life.

  84. Jarrod says:

    Hi. I just want to say thank you for these articles and for siding with men of a Christian background who need support. 4 years ago, I felt the calling to start a church and become a pastor, just like my father. My wife couldn’t stand the idea of me being a pastor, since after all, I was only doing it to be better than everybody else (according to her.) She slept with 2 men, blamed me, and lied to both her family and my family, saying that I was abusive and caused the affairs. She then ruined me financially, and turned everyone we knew against me. Immense pressure was placed on me to “forgive,” since after all, I deserved this. God carried me through. I talked to him everyday, and that’s the only way I survived. She has matured a great deal since then, but her attitude still remains catty and victim-like. As a music minister at a local church, I face such ridicule and judgment should we divorce. But I have grown miserable over time, and just feel completely unable to comprehend why all of this happened. I am imperfect, of course, and played a role in why our marriage was unhappy. But I can’t conceive how I deserved adultery and the blame I received for it, even though both her family and my family tell me that I do. Almost all advice on the internet just says, “figure out how you failed her, and promise to make it up to her.” It’s like a knife to the heart. Thanks for speaking up. You didn’t deserve for your wife to cheat on you, and nobody does. No doubt you were imperfect in the marriage, just as I was. But what she did to you was pure cowardice. You are not to blame. Thanks for your blog.

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  86. Jennifer says:

    “Well deti, the truth is that left to our own devices, we all choose the path of sin. This is why we all need the redemption the cross provides.”

    Excellently said.

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